Thursday, April 7, 2016

The Best Way to Build Better Relationships


I am the eldest of 5 children. So I have grown up to become a more mature person now when compared with my younger days. I am proud to say that my siblings, as well as most of my friends, don’t think twice before approaching me for any suggestions or whenever they are challenged by the situations in life. If you are the first female kid with more than two kids after you, in your family, you will agree with me that when your siblings grow up, they look up to you for all the help.

I have learned to stay calm and quiet when I know that am right and others are wrong. The learning process was a hard one. But am happy that I learned the hardest of lessons in my life. Now, I have become a calmer, more matured and more enlightened person. 

During the learning process, I found myself being tested and taunted. There were instances when my silence was taken as acceptance of my wrong, when I believed that I was right. My quietness was considered as a weakness when I didn't want to show that they are the weaker ones in reality. My quietness was misunderstood that I didn't care about their opinion on the issue. But finally, when the cloud cleared everything got cleared between me and them. They understood me well. It WILL take time, a week, a month or maybe years. 

People change. Their thoughts change. Their actions change. They WILL understand you better when they grow and when they understand their own self. Until then you need to be patient and quiet.

Patience and quietness are the most important traits to build ANY struggling relationship, stronger. But trust me keeping quiet is THE BEST way to solve a burning issue. It couldn’t be solved then and there. But it would eventually get solved at the right time. And YOU will be the winner.

Here is an example:

I soak the clothes of my little nephews and my brother's dresses in a detergent before loading them in the washing machine. Both my nephews and my brother never get tired of playing football and cricket. So I soak their clothes in the detergent for fifteen minutes. It is me who do the soaking, loading and drying the clothes. I do the soaking early morning as soon as I wake up. So that I can load it in the washing machine after I brush my teeth and had my coffee. By the time I get ready to go to work, the washing would be over.

That particular day, I got up late. So, I requested my youngest sister to put the soaked clothes inside the washing machine while I was getting ready to leave to my office. I instructed her to load the heavy clothes first before loading the lightweight clothes. I told her that she has to put one cotton white pant and two dhotis first. She started loading the lightweight clothes first that were on top of the heavy ones. I said, “That’s ok. You can now put the pant and the dhotis and push them below the light ones.” She took the pant and put it inside the washing machine. She then said,” Sis, there is just one Dhoti.”

I was still getting ready and said,” No, there are two Dhotis. I soaked 2”

She again said,” Nope, there is just 1.”

I knew she was either feeling lazy to dig deeper into the tub or she wants to just complete loading as soon as possible.

If you were me, how could you have reacted?

1.    Yelled at her saying,” You are a lazy girl! Why don’t you search for it? It was me that soaked the clothes. Won’t I know what I did?”
OR

2.    Yelled at her saying, “Come on! Do you think that I am blind? Do you think that I am telling lies to you? I should have got up early this morning to do it on my own. I know that this is what will happen when I ask for help from someone else.”
OR

3.   Stood by her side, patted at her back, made her bend lower to search and say,” Now that you are a little bit closer to the tub, you will find the Dhoti.”  Stood near her until she found the Dhoti and gave her a taunting gesture to make her feel bad?
OR

4.    Would you just quietly continue getting ready to work and wait for her to find the second Dhoti?

Let us analyze what would happen when you chose the  

Option 1:
Firstly, you wasted your time saying all those negative words about her.
Secondly, you called her names - ‘lazy girl’ and ‘not good at searching’
Thirdly, you spoke high of yourself – ‘I did it’ and so ‘I know it’

The Result:
You have lost a few seconds of your prep time. You have lost your nerves and energy by uttering those negative words. You have spread all negative energies around you.

It was YOU who got affected due to your outburst and not her.

Option 2:
Firstly, you wasted much of your time uttering more words in a harsher manner.
Secondly, you said that she was ‘blind’ and ‘telling lies’.
Thirdly, you wanted her to feel bad for doing it less efficiently than what you would do.

The Result:
You have lost a few seconds of your prep time. You have lost much of your nerves and energy by uttering those harsher words. You have spread all negative energies around you and around her.

It was YOU as well as HER got affected due to your outburst.

Option 3:
Firstly, you wasted your most precious, the TIME.
Secondly, you manhandled her.
Thirdly, you made her feel worse.

The Result:
You have lost a few minutes of your prep time. You have lost your nerves and mind by saying those words and pushing her to bend down. You have spread heat and negative energies around you and her that is going to linger for quite some time.

The day is going to be very bad for YOU and for HER.

Option 4:
Firstly, you didn’t waste a single second of your prep time.
Secondly, you have kept your cool. You didn’t lose your nerves and mind.
Thirdly, you knew that you were right and she was wrong. So, you waited for her to find the Dhoti on her own. And when she finds it, she will know that she was wrong. She would naturally realize the reason for your quietness so she would come back to you and say, “Sorry Sis. It was down there under all those light weight clothes. I have loaded it.”


The Result:
You were all set to leave your home for work by the time she completes the loading. Both you and your sister were happy. There were positive energies around you both and a good understanding relationship is developing between the siblings. Both your day and her day is going to be good for sure.

If you asked me what was my reaction, it was Option4.


But, I have to admit that I have chosen all the options before finding that ONLY Option 4 is the best choice to have a healthy relationship and build a better understanding between me and others. 

If you come across such situations in life, please chose Option4. Trust me, people WILL find your quietness misleading. But eventually, when the truth comes out, they WILL come back to you to apologize. All that shouting and throwing tantrums WILL only make more damage to the relationship. It might even go to the extent of breaking the relationship. So please try to calm your nerves and stay quiet.

Trust me life is neither about making money nor about building homes. Life is all about building and nurturing relationships. 

Luv u all
Uma
Freelancer