Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Stillbirth - Thanks, Men Are From Mars

The baby was cute and fresh. The baby smiled at me, giving me the hope of life. It gave me the feeling that I would depend on it for my happiness. But somehow I felt that the baby was going to leave me sooner. It smiled at me weakly sometimes. I felt wanted when it cried all day and night demanding my attention. Sometimes it didn't cry for days together, leaving me with a feeling of unwanted. Every time I felt happy with a new born baby, it has left me with grief and sorrow. This baby left me in two weeks time. Since I was expecting the loss, it didn't affect me much. I have learnt to take this in my stride. This is not the first baby that left me. Please don't ask me the number of babies that I have lost. Because, I have lost count. I am happy that this baby left me earlier, than to take me too far and leave me with a feeling of lost in a vast abyss.

I am here with you again, feeling unwanted.

He told me that he liked me and wanted to know more about me.The baby was born who would bring hope into my life.

He wanted to hear my favorite song. I mailed him my favourite song - "Butterflies" sung by Michael Jackson.

He asked me,"Whom are you waiting for?".
I said,"My Dream Man".
He asked me,"What would be your "Dream Man"?
I said,"The character that is played by Amitabh Bhachhan in Baghban".

We met once. He kissed me and that caught me by surprise. The baby smiled at me. I felt wanted

He told me that he liked me and asked me,"Why are you still single?".
I laughed aloud and said,"I am married for ten years". He placed his palm on my head and asked me to repeat it. I repeated it,"Yes, I am married for ten years".

Those six days that were spent on chatting with him in Skype, meeting him in person, talking to him looking into his fond eyes were happier moments. The baby was giggling.

He wanted to know my passion, motto in life, things that I loved and hated. He wanted to know about my family and work. The baby was playing with my fingers and cheeks.

There were no replies to my messages for two days continuously. Perhaps he needed his space too. I didn't disturb him. I didn't ask the reason for his quietness, when we met online on the third day. It was the10th day of our friendship. The baby smiled at me weakly.

He sent me a text message and it read "what about the chemistry between you and your husband?". I didn't know what he meant by that. I sent a text to him back "What exactly does that mean?".

He replied "Sex". The baby had difficulty breathing.

I sent a text again "Is it important?".
He replied "Have you ever had sex outside of your marriage?"

The baby stopped breathing.

I thought  "Ah, Here comes the MAN again.". I replied back " I am going to disappoint you."

He don't look into my eyes these days. He don't acknowledge my presence around him. We are strangers now.

I am here with you again, feeling unwanted.

Luv u all
Uma
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